


State Alchemist Battle Card Game

by BleedingCoffee



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Amestrian Military is serious business, Other, Team Mustang - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 16:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2235717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BleedingCoffee/pseuds/BleedingCoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Team Mustang has made a State Alchemist Battle card/board game and it's Ed's turn to play.</p>
            </blockquote>





	State Alchemist Battle Card Game

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little something I wrote for my Tumblr blog. I post there frequently with backburner fics, ficlets, teasers, updates, questions. Follow me if you'd like, BleedingCoffee42.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Ed’s eyes narrowed as he looked at the mess of board games and cards on the conference table in Mustang’s office. Al was outside trying to give away a box of kittens to people and he was left to submit his report on his own. He forgot it was lunchtime, Mustang would probably make him wait around until lunch was over to get back to business. “Someone hit a garage sale or something?”

  
  


“Aww, sorry Kimblee!” Roy threw the card across the table at Havoc. “Looks like you are arrested by the fashion police for wearing white after Labor Day. Skip two turns.”

  
  


“Ha! Get out of jail free for doing the evil bidding of the State card!” Havoc flicked the card at Mustang.

  
  


Ed frowned and looked at the “game” they were playing. Cards, kid’s board games, paper play money…what the hell was all of this? On and some cool as shit action figures of alchemists. Well maybe getting here a little early wasn't so bad.

  
  


“ _Explosive_ diarrhea, skip two turns.” Mustang tossed the card down with a smug smile.

  
  


“Venereal disease strikes fangirl horde, they’re out of play for three turns!” Havoc countered.

  
  


Riza shook her head and went back to reading. So much for a quiet lunch. Stupid boys.

  
  


Roy delicately placed a card in the center of the table and smiled. “Flash Charming smile, Fangirls cured.”

  
  


Havoc threw his cards down and spat, “Damn this stupid game!”

  
  


Mustang sat quietly with a smile on his face looking at his cards. “Your play, Breda. I mean, Armstrong.”

  
  


"You’re actually playing kid’s games?" Ed queried.

  
  


Havoc lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair. “State Alchemist Battle card game.”

  
  


Ed raised his eyebrows. They made that? “Seriously?”

  
  


Hawkeye sighed. “They found some collector card battle game and expanded on it. Part Pokemon, part Uno, mostly ridiculous and 100% annoying.”

  
  


Havoc pointed to the table. “We use CandyLand as the board. There is a Battleship side game to determine what “ship” your fangirl horde is on at the moment, and Risk over there for when you are drawn into tactical combat. The Game of Life determines your career to begin and after you make your way through ‘East City Candyland” you can move to “Central Monopoly” and start buying your way to power.”

  
  


"Fangirl horde?" Ed asked. He got the rest. He knew what the other games were, but the rules were still fuzzy.

  
  


"Each alchemist starts with his base powers and a fangirl horde. You can play cards to have them go defensive or offensive but your opponent can play the rabid or yaoi card." Havoc explained

  
  


"Rabid or yaoi?" Ed asked.

  
  


“Rabid is when they turn on you and molest you to knock off health and mental points. Yaoi is when they use the ship over there to force you to be draw closer to your opponent because of your gay love for them. To break that curse you must sink the ship.”

  
  


Breda chimed in, “Each alchemist’s fangirls have certain powers. Mustang’s replenish quickly cause he’s…him, Kimblee’s can play anywhere on the board since he’s mentally all over the place, Amrstrong’s have clothes exploding action.”

  
  


Ed looked at all the game boards and cards. It was so ridiculously over complicated only an alchemist could have dreamt it up. So if Mustang made the game….”What do _my_ fangirls do?”

  
  


"Look under the microscope to see you." Mustang said dryly but his face betrayed his amusement at his own joke.

  
  


"Deal me in." Ed hissed. By God he was going to beat him at his own made up game! Screw you Mustang! Goddamned asshole!

  
  


"After Breda makes his last move and quits stalling." Roy replied and cocked an eyebrow at the man.

  
  


"Fine." Breda threw his card down. "Armstrong pectoral dancing plus ten."

  
  


Mustang flicked a card at him. “My fangirls are not amused, I play my “Ice queen catches you masturbating with Armstrong family’s famous recipe _hardwood_ floor cleaner card.”

  
  


"Dammit!" Breda threw his cards down.

  
  


"Which means that I’m going to roast the sparkles out of your hair with Flame Alchemy plus five." Mustang placed the card down and grinned.

  
  


Breda countered with, “I have the bucket of water card! Your Flames are extinguished!”

  
  


"Not so fast…" Mustang placed his ace in the hole. "Colonel Must-Bang Wet T-Shirt Power incites a fangirl riot in your ranks. They want my abs now!"

  
  


Ed grabbed the card that was his and checked it over. Strength, above average. Intelligence above average with immaturity minus ten. Alchemy, Earth elemental bonus. Fangirl superpower: squee plus ten. “What’s a ‘squee’?”

  
  


"Sound a crazed fangirl makes." Havoc mumbled. "Clears the board around you ten spaces."

  
  


Mustang gave him a smile. “Wanna play?”

  
  


Ed growled. He had that smug ‘I already have the winning hand even though we haven’t started playing’ look. “Bring it on asshole.”

  
  


"I see you understand how to use the yaoi fangirl already." Mustang smirked. "Ok, let’s reset the board."

  
  


Ed sat down as Havoc dealt him a hand.

  
  


Mustang took his new cards and leaned back in his chair as Ed hunched over the table trying to figure out how to begin. “Start on the game of Life. Spin and pick either the long road to the Academy, more money and access to both alchemy skill card piles or the _short_ road were you take your chances teaching yourself and have to linger in the shadows of a superior your entire career just to have an expense account for research and skill acquisition.”

  
  


Ed watched the grimace form on Breda’s face, a tell that Mustang just made that up to piss him off. “You just changed the rules.”

  
  


"It’s the game of life." Roy said with a monotone drone. "The rules are always changing and life isn’t fair."

  
  


“That’s cause your a dick.”

  
  


“Pick kid, lunch ends in ten minutes. “ Roy replied coolly.

  
  


“What do I need money for?” Ed asked as Havoc handed him the play money.

  
  


“To buy skills, pay for damages in battle or caused by your fangirl horde….” Roy cocked an eyebrow as Ed’s eyebrow twitched angrily.

  
  


“In the game shithead.” Ed snapped.

  
  


“I _am_ talking about the game.” Roy said with an innocent shrug. “The only damage _your_ fangirls can do is to your self-esteem when they realize your a prepubescent midget. “

  
  


Havoc shook his head. “Should have warned you the Colonel is very competitive and cutthroat when it comes to games.”

  
  


“We’re just talking about the game again?” Ed grumbled and settled into his chair.

  
  


“Quit stalling and spin the wheel.” Roy snorted.

  
  


Ed played his turns on the Life board before moving his little action figure to the CandyLand board. Mustang immediately threw a card at him.

  
  


“Sorry, broke your automail again. Skip two turns.” Roy practically sang and smiled at him as he spun the wheel and moved his piece.

  
  


Ed placed his hands on his cards and grinned. Well two could _cheat_ at this game! He changed his next card with alchemy and then frisbeed it at Mustang. “Lost your moral compass, skip four turns.”

  
  


Roy narrowed his eyes at him. So that’s how it was going to be? Fine. He doodled on the score keeping notepad and scratched out a simple transmutation circle. With a smirk he changed his next card and placed it on the board. “Piss off your girlfriend, minus ten health from wrench related concussion. Also two days in hospital.”

  
  


Ed’s hands pressed on the next card before tossing it on top of the last one played. “Piss off your Lieutenant and get pistol whipped, minus ten health and four days nursing your wounds like a baby.”

  
  


Hawkeye looked up at the clock. One minute before lunch ended. She sighed as the two continued their stupid game.

  
  


Roy laughed and flicked the next card onto the pile. “Challenge superior officer to ridiculous battle of skills and get humiliated. Health minus five, fame negative fifty.”

  
  


Ed’s response was quick, “Forget to look at weather forecast, go fight super villain serial killer during a thunderstorm…get soaked and rendered useless. Street cred minus one hundred.”

  
  


Hawkeye stood up after looking at the clock and walked over to the table. “Play stupid game, asshole points plus two thousand. Game over. “

  
  


Ed looked up at her annoyed. “But I didn’t get to sink his battleship Royal or buy real estate in Central!”

  
  


“It’s RoyAi.” Breda informed him with a dreamy sigh. “The unsinkable ship.”

  
  


“What?” Ed asked as the man seemed lost in a train of thought as both Mustang and Hawkeye shot him a glare.

  
  


Riza walked over and closed the Battleship Travel game and said, “Well I’m Queen of the pirates and I’m taking your stupid ships.”

  
  


Breda pouted and began to clean up the cards that were thrown everywhere.

  
  


“Lunch is over. Clean up the toys and get back to work.” Hawkeye snapped

  
  


“Who knew.” Roy said with a smug grin. “Flame versus Fullmetal would be a _short_ game? “

  
  


“Shove it!” Ed stood and growled at him as he leisurely slumped in his comfortable chair.

  
  


Hawkeye turned and ‘accidentally’ cracked Mustang in the head with the Battleship game. “Sorry sir, hard time getting around that inflated ego of yours.”

  
  


Roy rubbed his head and frowned. “We’ll play again tomorrow.”

  
  


“Damn right we will.” Ed declared.

 

 


End file.
